As If You Are There

Dear Airil,

It has been too long since I received your letter, even your SMS. I do miss you, a lot. I admit, but let's get it right. I put a full stop here, a real full stop ... and tell me that you are not going after me again, never.

Zap! I tear off the paper. I just cannot do it. I can never tell him goodbye. After all, we have been trough night and days for about a year. Yeah, it might sounds silly for a married person like me. Since a marriage is supposed to last forever, right? No doubt for that, but sometimes the phrase 'supposed to' is not always relevant. There are times we have to let go things we love the most, even the one we love ... and I am letting him go for the sake of our happiness.

Why do I say so? We met just in coincidence. I knew him, but silently. We had never talked to each other. It was just that my sister was his sister's best friend, and I had given the right of choosing my spouse to her. Eventually, Airil was her choice. I will never understand how can I accept my sister's choice that easily. I can never understand all that complicated series of my own love story.

We turned out like a normal married couple. I did not try to avoid them even though I always felt shy whenever he was near to me. I did want to get close to him before, and even now I still do! Then, why did I being so stupid by avoiding him? Let's be frank. I am a coward. I know that I am not a really good spouse for him. He deserves better than me.

Fatima's figure appears in my mind. I know, she is the one for Airil, not me. They had known each other since they were little kids running all away the town. Fatima is a soft girl, unlike me. She has  a very strong belief in Islam, which is called iman. Sincerely, I know I do not love Airil, but why am I feeling jealous that a perfect person like Fatima is now being Airil's secretary.

Besides, I remembered someone. I should not remember any man after myself is now belong to Airil. It is strictly forbidden in Islam. However, Rifqi is different. Rifqi is someone that is gone forever, and now I am losing Airil. Rifqi is Airil's brother and they are really like twins with their similar faces. I met Rifqi when we accidentally exchanged our files. Our memories are always in my heart ... and that is the real reason for all this. Airil left me alone in the house, having his taklik divorce for me. If I leave this house even for a step, I am automatically a divorcee.

I have been avoiding him so much. I do not love him, but why am I still here in this house? I cannot understand it. I cannot step away from this house. I do not know why I cannot bear the feeling of being divorced by him. Why? I keep asking myself that question. I never have the answer. Instead, I feel guilty! I feel guilty for hurting him with the love history between Rifqi in me. I feel guilty for ... being suspicious that he is in a relationship with Fatima.

I asked Helmy, my cousin,  is Airil still going to the office? The answer is no. Helmy asked me if I am having problem with Airil, but I deny it. I will never tell anybody about my marriage problem. I know that it is forbidden in Islam. Right now, I am still keeping this as a secret even though I can see that Helmy is quite suspicious about us.

Fatima has resigned from her job as Airil's secretary. I am wondering, is she resigning to be Airil's second wife? Is Airil planning to keep our marriage hanging? If it is true, sooner or later, one day I am going to lose him. If he left me without giving my nafkah, I will have to leave this house and I am a divorcee then. I am having my MC for three days already. He left me quite a lot of food; seems like he had planned to leave me for a week. I hope he will return after that.

Just in a split second, my tears come rolling down my cheek. Fatima is a good lady, but why I cannot really make it okay with her as the replacement of myself for Airil? Airil is also a good man, and I should not have been such a bad woman that I hurt him. I will remember that forever. Airil, I do not know why it is too hard to let you go.

I wrote again on the memo, but with different content. I could not finish it off.

Uhibbukafillah. I do not know where are you, but I am looking at the blue sky having my hopes only with Allah, and it is just as if you are there ....

I closed my eyes, and I realized. I had fall in love with him, ever since we met in the simple taaruf. Slowly, my tears keep rolling down, but I just let it be. Ya Allah, if he is for me, let we be here together and hereafter. If we are not meant for each other, let him be away from my heart, although deep in my heart, I still want to be with him in the heaven.

I feel my forehead is wet. I open my eyes hardly. I feel dizzy. I touched my own forehead, and there is a wet handkerchief on my forehead. I tried very hard and lastly, I managed to open my eyes widely. I cannot believe my own eyes. Airil is just sitting next to me, beside my head. I am laying down on the bed and he had slept over. I guess that he was trying not to sleep. Was he taking care of me?

"Er ... Widya? Are you okay?"

That is his first question when he realizes that I am no longer sleeping. His face shows that he is very worried about me. He tells me Fatima resigns to be transferred to Penang. He tells me he left me to think over about our relationship, but he feels guilty that I end up with a faint. He loves me, even though we have never been in a relationship before marriage.

Again, tears roll down my face before I ask for forgiveness from him.